ok i really don't mean to sound really sissy-like but because of seme-recent events, i really feel like God is out to get me.  i don't bother anyone, i'm a fairly nice person (or i try to be anyway) and shit still seems to fall on me from above........... "and his glory is raining down upon me..... wait that's not rain!!"  i feel so much guilt over what happened and i feel like i could have prevented it somehow even though my mind tells me that it wasn't my fault and that there was nothing i did to deserve this or nothing i could have done to prevent it.  i just wish i could go back in time and say one little word that might have stopped everything.  could have avoided the pain i feel right now.  it just hurts so bad knowing that on some level he knew he was hurting me beyond all repair when he was supposed to love me and be there for me.  the fact that he said "you could ruin me if you ever told anyone" shows me that he knew what he was doing was wrong on some level.  i just feel so responsible especially because i was old enough to know it was wrong.    i mean for christ sakes he's my step-dad, of course i knew it was wrong.  i was just so scared of what would happen.  if i would get blamed for ruining the family, my sibs be angry for taking away their father......... so many things but i should have been stronger i should have said no.....................

Peace Out