i almost told my mom about me being raped.  i wasn't gonna tell her who did it, but i was gonna let her know that something happened to me.  i was gettin reemed by her about my grades cuz they fell this semester.  she thinks it's cuz of the friends i have at school.  she thinks that i'm tryin to help them with their problems and i'm not gettin my shit done.  actually it's totally the opposite.  my friends and roomates up at school are the ones that kept me glued together, made me get my ass out of bed when i was depressed, sat up with me all night when i wanted to kill myself, held me when i woke up screaming from a nightmare.  i wanted to tell her all of that yesterday, but it just got stuck in my throat.  then my dad came home w/ the kids and it was too late.  i think the reason i didn't tell her was because i don't think i should be this upset about what happened.  and i don't think it's a valid excuse for lettin my grades drop (for myself only).  inside i almost feel like i should stop complaining about it, i shouldn't be having nightmares, flashbacks, depression, anxiety.  but my brain knows that all of these reactions are completely normal for what happened.  i think i'm still having trouble admitting to myself that what happened was completely wrong of him and not my fault at all.  i'm still taking a lot of the blame for letting myself get into the situation when i knew what he was gonna do.  my dad told me later that she's comparing me to my uncle who is a schizophrenic.  i am not schizophrenic at all.  i'm depressed.  yes i have issues and problems and i'm struggling right now, but that doesn't mean that i'm sick.  why does she have to insult me when she's worried about me?  she can never just voice her concern about the way i'm acting or something i'm doing. she has to insult me to try and make me change.  when in reality all that does is make me feel worse about myself, place more doubt on the validity of our relationship, and not want to make a change out of spite.  i know i fucked up and i think she deserves an explanation because she's the one who laid out the money, but i'm so afraid she's gonna think i'm lying or think even less of me than she already does.  i dunno which i'd rather her think.  that i'm just lazy, that i'm sick and losing control, or that i was raped and was too scared to leave my apt. except for classes...............  either way, her view of me won't be good.  well that's about all that's weighing on my mind right about now............ oh yeah i forgot i still have to plan my sisters bachellorette (sp?) party and write my speech for the reception....... i hate speakin in public

Peace Out