wow, i dunno why but i'm really scared about this surgery.......... two more weeks, that's it.  i know i shouldn't be, this isn't even the worst i've had!!!!  dah i'm gettin soft in my old age!!  lol.  last night i just cried and prayed and cried some more.  there are so many things i'm scared about right now.  jen's dad is gonna die soon.  he's one of the best ppl i've ever met, why does this have to be him?  why can't it be someone who deserves it more........... i hate seeing jen in so much pain.  she's trying to be strong for her mom who's popping xanex like it's fuckin candy, but she's losing control too.  i'm trying my hardest to give her an outlet, to understand what she's feeling, but i can't.  and it kills me.  i'm jus so scared.  she doesn't deserve this.  he's been more of a father to me than my own (biological AND step-dad).  i just don't understand it.  i guess i never will.  i jus hope that if he has to die, it's soon.  i don't want him, pat, or jen to have to suffer anymore.............. why don't i have super-powers?  why can't i fix him?  maybe i shouldn't go into medicine, i dunno if i'll be able to handle it when i can't fix ppl.  i feel like such a failure and i haven't even done anything.  i feel like an idiot for having faith that it will all work out.  it doesn't always work out.  the sad part is, i still have this underlying hope that he's gonna live through this....... when in my mind, logically, medically, he's gonna die.  this cancer will kill him.  he will suffocate in his own blood.  that's how he's dying right now.  it's not gonna change, there's nothing more the doctor's can do.  he's gonna have the surgery but the doctor told him he won't get off the table.  what do u say to ur best friend when they look u in the eye and tell u that they're gonna be alone.  what do u say when they ask u why this is happening?  what the fuck do u say?  cuz i don't know.  i've delt w/ death before, but never like this.  i've never been the one the person looks to for answers.  i'm so used to knowing everything, having answers..... this time i don't.  for the first time, i look at her and i just don't know what to say, and i'm scared.............

Peace Out