I'm not like them, but I can pretend

pain is better today.  good thing cuz i'm having lunch with my sisters, neices, and grandma tomorrow and i don't want to be all cranky.  although it's 2:20am right now and i'm still awake.... not a good thing.  been a little upset because i haven't been able to write anything lately.  i feel like all my inspiration is gone or something.  it's a very lonely and desparate feeling.  makes me worry that i've lost this crucial part of myself and even more worried that i won't get it back.  not sure how to react to that.

 

all i can really say is that it scares me... a lot

i'm exhausted but i can't sleep because of the pain in my damn hip again.  and now my neck is joining the fun.  alternating between numbness and shooting pain down my right arm for most of the day.  granted it's not as bad as yesterday was, but as i'm laying here in bed, almost every movement i make involving my legs puts me on the verge of tears.  it's the weather that's setting me over the edge.  when it's rainy and crappy like this, i feel like there's broken glass in my joints.  i broke down and took some pills last night so i don't want to do that again tonight, but i don't see any other choice.  i need to sleep or i'm gonna end up really sick again.  last time i got this little sleep, i passed out at work.  not to mention pain itself is exhausting.  at least i don't have to be up early tomorrow.... ugh, wish me luck

my hip partially dislocated last night.  just got it back in a few hours ago.  in a lot of pain but not as much as i was last night and all day today.  hopefully i'll get a little more sleep tonight than i did last night.  the pain pills are helping a lot so that's good..... wtf, can i just have one fucking day where something doesn't hurt?

she would have been 15 today.....  i miss you shannon

tomorrow morning i have an appointment with my cardiologist.  i don't think he's going to find anything else wrong but i always get nervous before any doctor appointment since my luck is such that almost every time i go, they find something else wrong with me again.  it's been almost 3 years since the last time i had a cardio appointment and my doc yelled at me on the phone for waiting that long.  what can i say, i hate going.  my EKG is always abnormal which isn't a big deal, but then they always do an ECG and because my heart isn't exactly where it should be anymore, they have trouble getting the right angles to get the proper pictures they need.  last time i had one done, i had actual bruises on my ribs from the tech pressing so hard.  not a pleasant experience.  not to mention the tech i always get is a guy so i'm laying in a dark room with no shirt and no bra on while a guy spends almost a half hour basically feeling me up lol.

 

either way i'm pretty sure this is only the beginning of a laundry list of tests and appointments coming up for me in the following months.  i'm gonna have to come clean about what's really been going on with me since it's actually starting to scare me a little.  i know i stop breathing in my sleep sometimes because i wake up gasping for air with my heart pounding in my chest and feeling like i've been holding my breath.  i'm sure that's no small reason i've been passing out at work, feeling exhausted all of time, muscle aches, etc.  my boss actually suggested i get a sleep study done.  he's now the 3rd person to say that to me recently and the idea's been bouncing around in my head for months as well.  yesterday he actually caught me falling asleep on my feet while i was working..... bad sign.

 

well not much else going on in my world, same shit different day!

saw him the other day.  felt that familiar feeling of my heart getting stuck in my throat and my stomach turning inside out.  but i survived.  as always.  i guess that's the one thing i should always tell myself when i see him or when i have a crisis........... that it will pass and i will be ok.  i survived the abuse, i'll survive the aftermath.

 

speaking of the aftermath, in an effort to take my life back, i said a while back that i wanted to go back to school so tomorrow, i want to call my old college and get unofficial copies of my transcripts.  they're a mess, but it's been like 5 years since i was in school, there has to be a way someone will give me another chance.  i have to do something.  i can't continue to live like this.

 

the passed few days have been rough.  i'm in a lot of pain physically.  i actually dislocated my hip yesterday so i've been hobbling around all day today.  my right hand has been numb on and off all day because of my neck, both of my knees are really swollen and even my chest has been bothering me.  because it was broken when i had the surgery, my sternum actually hurts when the weather is bad to the point that i can't take too deep a breath.  so yeah, cold weather sucks for me lol.

 

weird fact: a few weeks ago i saw soul surfer, a few days later my sister and i watched bridge to terabithia, then last week i saw race to witch mountain and re-watched jumper, and on saturday spy school was on tv.  then with my christmas present from my sister (best buy gift card) i bought a bunch of movies i had wanted to see.  one of which was charlie and the chocolate factory.  the weird part about all of these movies?  the actress annasophia robb is in all of them.  didn't realize this at first.  well can't say i mind, she's a pretty good actress.  by this point i'm getting delerious with exhaustion since i barely slept last night from the pain in my hip..... g'night mindsay land.

the next time my whore of a sister-in-law is back in NY, i really want her to say something moronic to me.  all i need is an excuse to shove my fist down her big fucking mouth.  that cunt needs to be taught a lesson and i SOOOOO want to be the person that gets to teach her.  it was her birthday yesterday i think, so on fb she puts up that it was the worst birthday she's ever had her entire life and waaaaahhhh, cry me a fucking river.  then i just looked again and she writes something about how she just wants to hang out with real "ppl" who don't need alcohol to have a good time.  meanwhile, she's one of the biggest lushes i fucking know.  i know these are all directed at my brother because he didn't pay enough attention to her or something equally moronic.  i know he's married to her, but i really wish he would ditch her already.  he deserves so much better.

 

lol i had to laugh at a convo my sister and i had today through text about it...

 

sister: Hey sis....did bern n kurt separate??? WTF she puts fucked up statuses on her facebook... ugggg ass.

me: Not that i know of but she's an attention whore so just ignore it.

sister: KK.... yes she is.... selfish too xo.

me: I think the most selfish person i've ever met.  I wouldn't look into what she writes too seriously... Kurt prob forgot to roll out a red carpet for her, kiss her feet, and spend the entire day telling her how amazing she is because she saved 10 cents on a can of baked beans.

sis: OMG i just pissed myself

 

she's so desperate for attention that she actually brags on fb about how much she saves in coupons when she goes shopping.  then my family sends her a really nice package with a check from my mother and multiple $25 gift cards from the rest of us for her birthday and we don't even get a thank you... but her own parents send her a coupon book and she writes a paragraph long update thanking them and saying how they're the best.  seriously bitch?  this girl is working my last little bit of patience of have left for her.  i swear if she hurts him again like she did last month when she decided to pack up and leave him 2 days before christmas, i'm flying out to california and i'm handing her the ass-whoopin' her parents should have given her 15 fucking years ago.

 

i mean really.... 300 million sperm and YOU were the fastest?  i really just hope she never has kids

Let your world

Be wide open

And your fears

Be blown apart

May your voice

Be louder than bombs

Somewhere in silence

Find one to trust

 

Lift your head up

Untie the knot

My little sunshine

Hope is never light years away

 

Let your senses

Be ignited

By streams of neon

Singing in the dark

Connected

To the planet

A million neighbors

A sea of stars

 

Lift your head up

Untie the knot

My little sunshine

Hope is never light years away

 

Leaders, lovers come and go

Outside forces you can't control

Oh I see you smiling at the unknown

Oh I see you smiling at the unknown

 

Lift your head up

Untie the knot

My little sunshine

Hope is never light years away

 

~Athlete

 

i watched the movie soul surfer a few weeks back and fell in love with the movie.  i had her bethany's story back when it first happened in 2003, but like most things it was moved to the back of my mind since life was really going well for me at the time.  it was just made into a movie in april and i caught it on tv while we were decorating our christmas tree this year.  anyway, bethany and her story have become a huge inspiration to me all over again.  i know it sounds really weird and crazy, but i feel like this story has given me my faith back.  something i thought was impossible.

 

anyway, this song is playing during the closing credits of the movie and it brought me to tears when i first heard it, but since i've looked up the lyrics, it's touched me even deeper than before.  it reminds me of my neice.  the lyrics are totally and completely something i've been wanted to put down on paper for her for a long time but just couldn't find it.  so this is her song.  i'm gonna find something cool to do with it for her and i also want to learn it and play an accoustic version on guitar for her. 

 

regardless of what it means to me, it's an amazing song and everyone should listen to it!

my puppy died at 9am on new years day....  she had gotten sick in the middle of december.  throwing up after she ate.  so after like 2 or 3 days of her being sick, my mom took her to the vet.  they did blood work and took x-rays.  the blood work was clean and they told us the x-ray looked fine too.  that it was a virus and we should take her home and just try to get her to eat.  another 10 days went by of her barely eating anything.  she was losing an alarming amount of weight so we took her to a different vet on like thursday.  we brought a copy of her original x-ray and when he looked at it, immediately said there was a large blockage in her lower intestine.  he sent her to a specialist who could do surgery, but by that time she was too weak.  she made it through the operation but died the next morning.  apparently she had swallowed a towel.  we really don't even know how she got hold of a towel anyway.  we are VERY diligent when it comes to our animals.  i just can't believe she's gone.  she was the sweetest dog i've ever owned.

 

i think it finally sank in for me last night.  every night after everyone else had gone to bed, i would go into the kitchen where she slept, and i would lay down next to her.  she would roll over to make room for me and when i was comfortable, she would drape her huge paw over my shoulder and snuggle up against me.  we'd lay there for awhile, usually taking turns dozing before i'd get up and go to my own bed.  anyway, last night i walked into the kitchen smiling as i reached for the light, but of course she wasn't there when i turned the light on.

 

i completely lost it and just started sobbing uncontrollably.  she was only like a year and half old.  a baby for crying out loud.  and now she's dead because some moron mis-read a fucking x-ray.  the second vet we took her to said that if we had gone to him first, she would have been fine.  it's apparently a very common surgery for dogs and has a huge success rate.  but she had become septic and had lost too much strength that she just couldn't recover.  happy fucking new year

 

i tried to post a pic of her but it's not letting me for some reason..... of course, why would anything be fucking easy for me!

 

It's been a long December

And there's reason to believe

Maybe this year will be better than the last

I can't remember

All the times I tried to tell myself

To hold on to these moments as they pass

 

And it's one more day up in the canyon

And it's one more night in Hollywood

It's been so long since I've seen the ocean

I guess I should

 

~Counting Crows