I'm not like them, but I can pretend
It must feel so different now
When the shoe is on the other hand
You can forget the half-hearted goodbye
When all you need is a stronger alibi
I told you to leave and that I'd understand
god it's been like forever since i've updated on here........... i miss you people!
i'd much rather have you here than the $16,000, but thank you for looking out for me even after you're gone. i miss you more than you'll ever realize. it's been 7 months and it still feels like a dream. you haven't visited me in awhile, but that's ok. i know you've got a lot of people to keep you plenty busy. say hi to gramps for me and hey, just so you know.... the one thing that's been keeping me going is the thought of what would have been. the last time i saw you at your apartment when we had dinner. you told me that you wanted to meet my brother and sisters. that you wanted to go to their games and play catch in the back yard. you wanted to go to the beach with all of us. that meant more to me than anything you could have ever done. they meant something to you because they meant something to me. i don't think you realize how often i had thought of that over the years, all of us together loving eachother and loving life. but even if you're not here to physcially share those moments with us. i promise you that you will be there in spirit and those kids will know that even if their own father is a prick, there was someone there who wanted to be a part of their lives. and they will know how kind-hearted that man was. so thank you for that. even if it is just a memory of a path not travelled.
fuck i'm tired........... i guess 70 plus hours a week will do that to you. i can't wait til i can just work 1 full time job like a normal human being.
in other news, i saw john again for the first time in like 2 years. i never realized how much i missed him. i walked into the defensive driving course at my library and he was sitting right there. it was so nice to talk to him, we fell right back into old habits. no awkward silences or anything like that. just easy and funny conversation. if i ever stop being such a chicken-shit, i'll call him up and see if he wants to do something.
and that's pretty much the only good thing that's happened to me in the last few weeks. but whatever, i'll live.....
all i want to do is call your cell phone and hear your voice. why did you do this to me? it was a cruel fucking trick and i don't appreciate it at all. it took a lot of courage for me to do what i did and let you back in. and then you fucking leave 6 months later? how is that right? how is that fair? this is such fucking bullshit and so true to how everyone has fucking treated me my entire life.... it's ok, she'll clean up the mess later. well now i am that mess thanks to you. i'm so fucked up the thoughts in my own head are starting to scare me. and trust me that's hard to do since my thoughts have been derranged for quite some time that i've grown immune to their disturbing nature. so thanks again for pulling through for me. really, your track-record says it all. well, at least you're consistant.
shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cock-sucker, mother-fucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat.................
hope you enjoyed...... i'll be here all week
i need to get fucking laid....... lol
Horseshoes and Handgrenades
Maybe I'm the runner up
But the first one to lose the race
Almost only really counts
In horseshoes and handgrenades
~Green Day
In the sun's warmth
I think of you
I thought I heard you call my name
But wishful thinking's again to blame
In twilights birth
I sing to you
The songs we sang when I was a child
Help repress the pain for a little while
When darkness falls
I dream of you
Though a dream couldn't compare
To knowing that you're really there
But nothing will ever be the same
As the waking world
Stands open and apart
I can see through the years
Of working wonder's art
Bright eyes widened
Shock and awe consume
In all life's little mysteries
Exsistance still resumes
If losing yourself
Is the only way out
You can find solace
Hidden behind the doubt
That hides inside the soul
And mangles up the heart
Perpetuates the cycle
Of working wonder's art