I'm not like them, but I can pretend

It must feel so different now

When the shoe is on the other hand

You can forget the half-hearted goodbye

When all you need is a stronger alibi

I told you to leave and that I'd understand

god it's been like forever since i've updated on here........... i miss you people!

i'd much rather have you here than the $16,000, but thank you for looking out for me even after you're gone.  i miss you more than you'll ever realize.  it's been 7 months and it still feels like a dream.  you haven't visited me in awhile, but that's ok.  i know you've got a lot of people to keep you plenty busy.  say hi to gramps for me and hey, just so you know.... the one thing that's been keeping me going is the thought of what would have been.  the last time i saw you at your apartment when we had dinner.  you told me that you wanted to meet my brother and sisters.  that you wanted to go to their games and play catch in the back yard.  you wanted to go to the beach with all of us.  that meant more to me than anything you could have ever done.  they meant something to you because they meant something to me.  i don't think you realize how often i had thought of that over the years, all of us together loving eachother and loving life.  but even if you're not here to physcially share those moments with us.  i promise you that you will be there in spirit and those kids will know that even if their own father is a prick, there was someone there who wanted to be a part of their lives.  and they will know how kind-hearted that man was.  so thank you for that.  even if it is just a memory of a path not travelled.

fuck i'm tired........... i guess 70 plus hours a week will do that to you.  i can't wait til i can just work 1 full time job like a normal human being. 

 

in other news, i saw john again for the first time in like 2 years.  i never realized how much i missed him. i walked into the defensive driving course at my library and he was sitting right there.  it was so nice to talk to him, we fell right back into old habits.  no awkward silences or anything like that. just easy and funny conversation.  if i ever stop being such a chicken-shit, i'll call him up and see if he wants to do something.

 

and that's pretty much the only good thing that's happened to me in the last few weeks.  but whatever, i'll live.....

all i want to do is call your cell phone and hear your voice.  why did you do this to me?  it was a cruel fucking trick and i don't appreciate it at all.  it took a lot of courage for me to do what i did and let you back in. and then you fucking leave 6 months later?  how is that right?  how is that fair?  this is such fucking bullshit and so true to how everyone has fucking treated me my entire life.... it's ok, she'll clean up the mess later.  well now i am that mess thanks to you.  i'm so fucked up the thoughts in my own head are starting to scare me.  and trust me that's hard to do since my thoughts have been derranged for quite some time that i've grown immune to their disturbing nature.  so thanks again for pulling through for me.  really, your track-record says it all.  well, at least you're consistant.

shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cock-sucker, mother-fucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat.................

 

 

 

 

 

hope you enjoyed...... i'll be here all week

i need to get fucking laid....... lol

Maybe I'm the runner up

But the first one to lose the race

Almost only really counts

In horseshoes and handgrenades

 

~Green Day

In the sun's warmth

I think of you

I thought I heard you call my name

But wishful thinking's again to blame

In twilights birth

I sing to you

The songs we sang when I was a child

Help repress the pain for a little while

When darkness falls

I dream of you

Though a dream couldn't compare

To knowing that you're really there

But nothing will ever be the same

 

 

As the waking world

Stands open and apart

I can see through the years

Of working wonder's art

Bright eyes widened

Shock and awe consume

In all life's little mysteries

Exsistance still resumes

If losing yourself

Is the only way out

You can find solace

Hidden behind the doubt

That hides inside the soul

And mangles up the heart

Perpetuates the cycle

Of working wonder's art